Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

Regular readers know that my wife and I lived a somewhat unusual marriage for four decades. Thirty-eight of those years were spent in a permanent threesome with her closest friend. Neither of us can recall the last time we had intercourse. Last year, I asked if she ever considered herself bisexual, but she said it never crossed her mind. Unsure where else to put this news, I’m sharing it here because I need to get it out.

Tonight, I gave my wife a deeply emotional birthday card that brought tears to both our eyes (I still didn’t reach orgasm tonight). For the first time in our marriage, she opened up about her sexuality. It might sound odd, but for us, this arrangement was simply normal life.

The key revelation is that she fantasizes about women, not men. Before we married, she wasn’t attracted to other women, though she was a virgin at the time and had limited experience with men. I once introduced her to a friend’s husband so she could try another man, but she didn’t care for it, telling me then that I would be the only man in her life. She also mentioned that if I pass away first, she will retire from men entirely and live with a woman. We discussed this more over dinner tonight.

She enjoys sex with me, though she never much cared for wife-swapping with other husbands; she did it mostly to please me. While she loves our sexual connection, she misses having a female partner around as well. During our threesome era, my wife and her girlfriend rarely had sex together without me present in the room—even if I was just watching. This led me to believe she felt insecure about her sexuality, which turned out to be true. Now that she is older and facing significant surgery, she is opening up more. Despite our unconventional life, she never really wanted to discuss sex.

She also told me she never gave much thought to our alternative lifestyle. She reminded me that as a virgin with most of her sexual knowledge coming from me and her girlfriend, everything felt normal to her—I feel the same way. She prefers female companionship because women are like kindred spirits. My wife is more emotional than logical; she defends her stance based on how things feel rather than strict logic.

We had a wonderful talk, and for the first time in 45 years, I heard her true feelings about her sexuality. When I asked why she dislikes intercourse, she said she prefers oral sex and gentle encounters because intercourse feels rough and aggressive to her. It’s not that she hates it; I didn’t mind because the trade-off was enjoying two women for a long time. Her girlfriend used to give me occasional pity sessions when I struggled, though this stopped in the last 13 years. I’m not sure you can even call those encounters true intercourse since they were somewhat painful and dominating; she would pull away or shift slightly until I slipped out before my orgasm could complete. Like my wife, her girlfriend didn’t like a man ejaculating inside her.

I’m struggling to understand why I am the only man who satisfies her sexually. She certainly gets plenty of orgasms with me and loves having a still penis present. Now I see why she prefers using her vibrator for her climax: because she thinks about women. It all clicks now, especially since she never wanted me to talk during sex—I suspect it was to preserve her fantasy. Did she pretend I was female? I didn’t ask, afraid of the answer and assuming she might lie to protect my feelings. Her response was vague but suggested she pictures girls when fantasizing—whether alone or with me present; I think both, which explains why she preferred silence while using her vibrator.

I’m unsure how to process this because sometimes I picture our girlfriend dominating me when I struggle to maintain an erection. Maybe it’s situational for her, just as it is for me. Now I understand why she doesn’t want me masturbating and prefers my chastity; she knows I am thinking of other women while she does. She is content with me looking around mentally without actually engaging in sex with them.

I know she loves me deeply—there is no doubt there. She enjoys our sexual connection. Once, during a three-hour period, she had 17 orgasms, stopping only because the intensity made her sore. Since she reaches climax quickly (within two to three minutes) when I am allowed to touch her, it signals attraction. She loves teasing me and watching my penis respond to just her hand’s touch. Performing oral on me is another favorite.

My wife isn’t keen on me broadcasting our sex life to the world. It has always felt very personal to her, whereas I have kept these thoughts bottled up since I was 14. What guy loses his virginity in a threesome with two women? It doesn’t sound as impressive as it sounds. To me at the time, it was quite the opposite of cool. I’m not even sure why I am posting this here, except that it highlights her appreciation for chastity. Chastity allows her to grab a vibrator and focus on thoughts of women without worrying about my pleasure. She is having the best orgasms of her life—so intense sometimes she doesn’t want them too often because they hurt.

I think our issue was just living through this entire marriage as if it were normal, never viewing it as abnormal. Sometimes those two ladies would hit the dance floor for a spirited dance together, touching and kissing while we men watched with delight (and their spouses gave us dirty looks). We enjoyed our lifestyle without complaints from anyone, including the occasional cuckolded husband who visited.

I have mixed feelings about exactly how she views males versus females. Her words and actions suggest that, all else being equal, she might prefer marrying a woman. Does this reduce her love for sex with me? Based on what she said before, I don’t think so; it seems unrelated to the act itself. Last year, she told me arousal comes from the person, not their gender. Now knowing she only fantasizes about women, I wonder if her attraction to me is stronger or weaker than hers toward women. Perhaps it’s because our girlfriend has passed away and my wife misses her as much as I do.

This post is getting long, but I don’t care; writing this feels cathartic. She loves sex with me but not men in general—she doesn’t even talk about them the way she talks about women. It may seem like a lot of fuss over nothing, yet it changes my perspective on our relationship. Previously, I felt like her husband whom she loved deeply; now I feel more like a person (who happens to be male) that she loves. A subtle but meaningful shift.

I went from thinking “Hurray! My wife likes girls too” to realizing “My wife loves women and me.” Whether you see the difference as clearly as I do remains to be seen.