I write to the husband first, and not because it is good manners

I write to the husband first. Not out of etiquette, and not to be seen doing it. I do it because in five years the single best predictor of whether an arrangement will work has been whether he writes back like a man with an opinion.

When he does, everything downstream is easier. Rules get set properly, nobody is guessing, and when something goes slightly wrong, which it always does, it gets said rather than absorbed. When he does not, one of two things has always turned out to be true. Either he is not really in it, or he has been told he is in charge of nothing, and both of those become my problem by month three.

Thirty nine, Manhattan, five years, three arrangements of between eight months and two years. All three ended for ordinary reasons. I am on speaking terms with two of the three couples and would be with the third if they still lived here.

What I want is something long and unspectacular. Regular evenings, a couple I actually like, and the boring middle part that most people on this board never reach because they are forever starting again.

Not looking for a couple where he is being managed. I have walked away from two situations for exactly that reason and both times I was told later that I had read it correctly. Not looking to pretend for an evening that he does not exist. Not looking to be a secret from anybody who lives in the house.