I would rather he was not in the room, and I say so early

I would rather the husband was not in the room. I have tried it four times over seven years and each time I spent the evening quietly aware of an audience and behaving slightly like a man on television.

That is not a judgement of anybody who wants it. It is obviously the whole point for a lot of couples and I have watched it work beautifully for people I like. I am simply not good at it, and after four attempts I have accepted that being bad at something is a limit rather than a challenge.

Forty three, Manhattan, seven years in. What I am very happy with is everything around it. Meeting you both first, as often as you want. Him knowing everything, before and after, in whatever detail the two of you prefer. Being asked questions by him directly and answering them properly. I would like him to be part of this. I would like him to be part of it in the kitchen, or at home, or on the phone afterwards, rather than in the corner.

I know this halves my odds here and I would rather halve them now than three weeks into a conversation.

Not looking for anyone who thinks it can be negotiated gradually. Not looking for a couple who agree and then arrange it as a surprise, which somebody attempted once. Not looking for a wife who would prefer her husband there and is willing to give that up to keep a conversation going.