The friendship with him grew sideways and probably saved the whole thing
Looking for a couple where the husband might turn out to be somebody I like
About four months in, her husband sent me a message about a substitution, and for the two years after that we sent each other roughly nine hundred messages that had nothing to do with his wife. That is the reason it lasted five years, and I did not plan a single part of it.
I am not claiming it works for everybody. Some husbands want to know nothing and be nobody's friend, and that is a legitimate arrangement which I have also had and enjoyed. But in this one it meant that when something did go wrong, and something always does, the two of us already had a way of talking to each other that was not about the difficult thing.
Thirty nine, the south of the city, nine years in this. Three arrangements. That one ran five years and ended amicably when they wanted to close everything for a while.
What I would like now is something of the same shape. Not identical: I am not going to walk in expecting a friend, and if he would rather I stayed out of his way then I will, cheerfully, and it can still be good.
But I will always write to both of you, I will always ask him what he wants out of it, and I will not treat a quiet husband as a solved problem. Twice I have taken a vague answer from a man as agreement and been wrong, and both times it cost the woman more than it cost me, which is the part I still think about.
Before the first drink Replying goes through the connected platform, so nothing about you is shared until you decide to share it. Take contact slowly and keep identifying details back until trust is earned. Meet somewhere public the first time, with your own way home from it, and if you are a couple then go together. Tell someone outside it where you are going. Never send money to someone you have not met. And if a post or a reply reads wrong, flag it rather than talking yourself out of the feeling.
Before you answer a post like this
Answering as a couple means screening him together rather than one of you doing it privately. Start here.
- Screening a third as a couple, not alone
- The six things to agree before you answer anyone
- Rules that survive contact with a real evening