I never message her separately, and I will explain why up front
Looking for a couple who will notice that I mean it
I do not message the wife separately. Not in week one, not in month eight, not after everybody has become comfortable. If there is no way to write to both of you, I will ask for one before anything else happens.
The reason is not chivalry. Early on I was in an arrangement where the private thread with her grew slowly into the main one, and by the time I noticed, her husband was hearing about his own arrangement second hand and had started to go quiet. Nothing dramatic happened. It simply curdled, over about four months, and it was my doing as much as anybody's.
Thirty nine, the west, nine years in. Three arrangements since, the longest four years, and I have kept the rule through all of them.
The version of this that surprises couples is that I hold it even when they tell me not to bother. Several have said it is fine, go ahead, and I have said no thank you, and one husband told me later that had been the moment he relaxed.
I cannot host. I live with my father, who is not well, and my hours are built around that. Not looking for a couple who want a private channel with one of them. Not looking to be admired for the rule, it is just how I work now. Not looking for anything that depends on me being free at short notice.
Before the first drink Replying goes through the connected platform, so nothing about you is shared until you decide to share it. Take contact slowly and keep identifying details back until trust is earned. Meet somewhere public the first time, with your own way home from it, and if you are a couple then go together. Tell someone outside it where you are going. Never send money to someone you have not met. And if a post or a reply reads wrong, flag it rather than talking yourself out of the feeling.
Before you answer a post like this
Answering as a couple means screening him together rather than one of you doing it privately. Start here.