It got messy once and I took two years off because of it
Looking for a couple who talk to each other more than they talk to me
It got messy in my fifth year and I took two years off afterwards, which I think was the right call and which I would rather say here than have somebody discover a gap and wonder.
What happened, briefly and without blaming anybody: they had rules that had never been tested, one of them broke and neither of them wanted to be the one to say so, and I found out three months later that things had been difficult in their house since roughly the second month. By the end I was the subject of an argument I had never been in the room for. Nobody behaved badly. Everybody, me included, avoided one conversation for far too long.
Forty three, north of the river, eight years in this altogether.
What I changed afterwards is that I now ask, out loud, every couple of months, whether anything has changed at home. It is an awkward question and I ask it anyway, and twice the answer has been yes and we have fixed something small before it became large.
I can host, weekends and most weeknights. Not looking for a couple who have never had to test a rule. Not looking for anyone who will tell me everything is fine as a matter of politeness. Not looking to be anybody's secret from their own partner, which is where the whole of that fifth year went wrong.
Before the first drink Replying goes through the connected platform, so nothing about you is shared until you decide to share it. Take contact slowly and keep identifying details back until trust is earned. Meet somewhere public the first time, with your own way home from it, and if you are a couple then go together. Tell someone outside it where you are going. Never send money to someone you have not met. And if a post or a reply reads wrong, flag it rather than talking yourself out of the feeling.
Before you answer a post like this
Answering as a couple means screening him together rather than one of you doing it privately. Start here.
- Screening a third as a couple, not alone
- The six things to agree before you answer anyone
- Rules that survive contact with a real evening