Rebuilder Rebuilding Her Faith in Me

Like I said in my introduction post, I’ve been married for 15 years and together with my wife for more than two decades—half my life.

Throughout that time, I’ve generally been a good, loving husband. I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs, and I’ve never hit her.

Our sex life has never been particularly passionate, and in recent years it’s dropped to almost nothing. There are plenty of reasons for this, but I won’t dive too deep into them because I’d prefer to stay somewhat anonymous.

I want one thing clear: I love my wife; she is the center of my universe. I have never acted with the intention of hurting her. Still, over the years, I’ve been a habitual cheater. I’ve had many encounters with other women—I honestly lost count at some point.

My wife isn’t foolish, so naturally, she found out and knows about my “issue.” Bless her heart, she has forgiven me and even suggested that part or all of it might stem from my own mental health struggles, including past sexual trauma. Maybe she’s right. Actually, she is almost always right, so yes, she’s right this time too.

The trouble is, she no longer trusts me, which is awful. I can’t go out with friends or even visit the hardware store without her keeping tabs on me. She tracks my phone location, checks my text messages, and monitors Facebook. Who could blame her? I’ve proven over and over that I’m not trustworthy.

Somewhere in my online exploration of kink, I discovered MC (Male Chastity). Something just clicked. This was years ago, but it has lingered in the back of my mind. Recently, though, I’ve been researching devices heavily and am practically ready to buy one.

I see this as a way to possibly rebuild her trust. I want her to know that when I go on business trips or roadwork, I’m not cheating; I’m actually working.

The catch is, I’m hesitant to bring it up with her because we lack a sex life and don’t discuss much about sex anyway. Plus, once I’m locked, I wonder if she’ll unlock me often since she just doesn’t care that much about sex herself. It feels like voluntarily going to prison for potentially robbing the liquor store again.

I have to admit, though counterintuitive as it sounds, being locked up does arouse me. It’s a strange contradiction. And it does feel somewhat selfish on my part.

Emotions: Anxiety. Fear. Nervousness. Paranoia—stemming from both the lack of trust and constant tracking/watching—as well as fear of what might happen next. Depression—due to her distrust, but also natural brain chemistry. Hesitation.