I ask early whether her husband knows, and it is not rudeness

Early on, usually in the second or third exchange, I ask whether her husband knows, and I ask her to say it in her own words rather than confirm mine. Some couples find that insulting. I do it regardless, because six years ago I spent four months inside something that turned out to be one person's private arrangement, and I only found out because a man rang me.

I am not going to describe that call. It was the worst hour of that year, and the only person with any real claim to be upset was him.

Forty two, the eastern suburbs, nine years around this. Three arrangements, two of them good and long, one of them the above. What the experience left me with is a single fixed habit and no general suspicion at all. Most couples here are exactly what they say they are. I ask because the cost of being wrong once is enormous and the cost of asking is one slightly stiff paragraph.

The way people answer tells me a great deal. Some are amused. Some are relieved. One couple sent a long reply from him specifically, which turned into the best three years I have had in any of this.

Beyond that I am unremarkable. Two free evenings a week, my own flat, a job that occasionally swallows a weekend. I would like something that lasts years and I am content for it to take months to start.