bikelock Navigating the Next Steps in Chastity and Relationship Dynamics

Let me give some context. I’m in my late fifties, and my wife recently turned sixty. We’ve been married for nearly three decades, and I adore her completely. Since menopause hit, her sex drive has dropped significantly while mine hasn’t changed much. This imbalance has caused frustration on my end and guilt or anxiety on hers. As our sexual frequency decreased, I found myself turning to pornography and masturbation more often for relief. We aren’t fighting or shouting; we’re just drifting apart and sharing less time together. She spent most weekends caring for her mother, who has dementia, which deepened my feeling that we were becoming emotionally distant. Fortunately, that situation is resolved.

We fell into a routine where weeks—or even months—could pass without sex. My frustration would mount, making me grumpy and resentful until I finally begged for a date night. She’d agree reluctantly, and the cycle would start anew. We tried discussing it more openly, like scheduling specific nights, but those efforts didn’t last long. She claims she is too ticklish or that penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse hurts me. To be fair, PIV has never been my primary goal from day one. I love performing oral sex and have always cared more about her climaxing than mine. In a way, this contributes to the issue. Often, it feels like she is just going along with things rather than truly desiring them, which kills the mood for me. Above all, I want to feel desired (though who doesn’t?).

She has always earned more money than I do, and my jobs have been quite enjoyable. My work involves teaching children to ride bicycles, watching monkeys in rainforests, or assisting botanists in searching for rare plants in the Falklands—you get the idea: fun but low-paying roles. I am also a massage therapist, though it never took off massively as a business. Women often felt uneasy letting a man massage them, even when there was nothing sexual about it, while men typically want a big-breasted Swedish masseuse or ask for special thigh massages. No thanks; the door is right there. Additionally, I have been a house husband and raised our two children.

I’ve always had a kinkier side than my wife—for instance, I introduced pegging long before it became trendy. She got into it initially, but her interest waned like other things over time. I also enjoy some crossdressing; however, I am not into sissy or bimbo play, and I am definitely neither bisexual nor transgender. In many ways, my life has been somewhat feminine: being a house husband, looking after the kids, supporting the breadwinner, and crossdressing feels like connecting with that side of myself. Before anyone assumes otherwise, I have zero issues with people who are Bi, Gay, Trans, etc., and fully support everyone’s right to be whoever or whatever they feel they are—it just isn’t my path. My wife started accusing me of being Bi or trans because I enjoy pegging and wearing skirts. Honestly folks, when it’s hot outside, a light skirt beats shorts or trousers any day. In my opinion, men were foolish to give up skirts after the Middle Ages.

I began considering chastity and did some research. My goals were to stop watching porn and reduce masturbation. It had reached a point where I wasn’t achieving orgasm via PIV because I was accustomed to using my hand. I also desperately wanted to restore intimacy to our relationship, as several posts suggested this could be a side effect of wearing a cage. Finally, I gathered the courage to discuss it with her, and her reaction was mixed at best. She didn’t understand why I would want this. She thought masturbation was fine because it meant less pestering on my part. She also believed I just wanted her to become a dominatrix, which she doesn’t desire. After explaining my reasons, she basically said okay, we can try it, but she does not want total control.

I purchased an HT Nano (which turned out to be a knockoff, as I suspected) and off we went. There have been several issues. The 50 mm ring occasionally allows the left testicle (Houdini) to slip out without me pulling or trying to escape. The smaller 45 mm ring causes ball burn and very slow discoloration. For now, I am sticking with the 50 mm one because I have no desire to cheat despite it being annoying when that little bugger retreats past the ring.

Relationship-wise, things are much better, and I really enjoy the new dynamic. I want to be close to her—cuddling, rubbing her feet, etc. I am horny for her constantly, but she doesn’t feel like I’m trying to wheedle sex out of her. We had an interesting conversation this morning. I have decided that the HT is not quite right for me. I suggested that perhaps we don’t really need a device and that I can maintain our current state without one. To my utter surprise, she said no; she thinks I should wear one. We discussed wearing it mainly at home or on weekends, which sounds reasonable. She also mentioned that I shouldn’t be able to unlock myself without permission, yet she doesn’t want total control either?????? I am a bit confused here. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I am now trying to decide what device comes next. The main options seem to be the Cherry Keeper (48 mm ring) or a custom-built Blackout Evo. I am definitely high and tight, a grower rather than a shower, with average size when erect. I don’t fancy steel for both travel convenience and weight reasons. Security isn’t my biggest concern since I don’t want to cheat, but hygiene is.

Another thing I’d love is seeing my keyholder become more amorous or horny herself. I want her to enjoy the attention I long to lavish on her. A major hurdle is that she is incredibly ticklish. For about twenty years now, I haven’t been allowed to touch her breasts because it makes them tingle, and basically everything else does too. Any advice on helping her relax would be wonderful. I am not looking to become a slave; I am definitely not a pain slut or into humiliation. I’d love for her to be more assertive about what she wants and what feels good. Mostly when I ask, I get very little response. I hope the answer isn’t just “leave me alone.” I adore her deeply but am not ready for a platonic marriage and have never considered straying even during our months apart due to work. As mentioned earlier, being a massage therapist means foot rubs, back rubs, etc., are second nature to me. Sorry for the long post, and as the title suggests, I really am unsure where this is heading; I just hope it’s fun getting there. Any advice based on personal experience is gratefully received.

This sounds very similar to my wife’s situation. She doesn’t prioritize sex much, and it takes literally weeks of buildup for her to get in the mood. We have gone years between sexual encounters, which caused me many of the same feelings you described. I used to let her decide when she was ready, but since she rarely did, it just made me grumpy. I began my chastity journey a little over a year ago. I can’t say things improved massively, but they have gotten better. She doesn’t really care about having control (she claims), and she does not want to hold the keys. However, when I took a break recently and asked if she wanted me to start wearing the cage again, she said she thought I should. So, I put it on and asked her about the keys once more; she definitely didn’t want anything to do with holding them but mentioned wanting to use plastic security tags instead. It’s kind of mixed messages that I interpret as her getting comfortable with the concept. I also started with foot rubs initially, which she wasn’t keen on at first. This has changed over time but required a lot of persistence from me. I do as much for her as possible to reduce her worries and ask frequently if there is anything else I can help with, like rubbing feet or getting tea. Playing with her hair is a good way to get some contact without causing ticklishness; it shows non-sexual affection. When she feels no pressure to have sex, she is much more likely to want closeness. At those times, I start initiating touch very subtly. If she allows it, I know she might be open to intimacy. If not, I back off and wait for the next opportunity, reinforcing that she holds control. The only advice I can offer is to allow things time—quite a lot of time. I made the mistake of moving too fast initially. In my case, it took about a year, and I think I’ve barely started, but at least I have begun. As for devices, I literally have a box full of every one I’ve tried. Some people get custom-made ones, but since I wasn’t sure what to choose, I went through many cheap options until finding one that worked for me. Good luck!