Tracking Daily Intimacy Attempts in Rows and Columns

So, I read about that whiny, entitled jerk who created a spreadsheet instead of just talking to his girlfriend about their sex life. It made me wonder what my own sex life would look like if it were laid out in rows and columns.

Unlike him, I haven’t felt deprived. I love my wife. Yes, I desire sex more frequently than she does. But honestly, I only want sex when it’s something we share mutually. So, perhaps I can’t truly want more sex than her because the kind of intimacy she enjoys is exactly what I like too.

Anyway, I decided to make a move on her every day for a month partly because keeping a secret sex journal hidden from her for longer felt a bit creepy, even if it’s just out of curiosity.

Without further ado:

• The Spreadsheet
• Friday, August 1 bedtime
• I snuggle up to her and rub her arm gently.
• “nuh-uh” (meaning no) along with a small shrug letting me know to stop rubbing.
• Saturday, August 2 bedtime
• After she undressed, I said, “You look sexy.”
• She smiles. “Thank you!” Looks at herself and runs her hands down her curvy sides. “Good night, sweetie.” gives me a peck.
• Sunday, August 3 morning
• We’re both barely awake. I spoon her and stroke her hips.
• “I’m sleeping,” she says as she rolls away. “You can still spoon me later.” I wake up eventually, make breakfast for the kids, and leave her in bed. She comes down about half an hour later. When I go upstairs to get dressed, I notice her vibrator is left out.
• Monday, August 4 bedtime
• “It’s been a while since we’ve had sex. I miss it.”
• “Come on,” she replies. “We just did last weekend.” (referring to the previous weekend).
• Tuesday, August 5 bedtime
• Snuggling up close, I say, “I’m really horny.”
• “Sorry,” she says. “Really not right now.”
• Wednesday, August 6 bedtime
• “Do you want a backrub?” She’s had a long day.
• “Sure.” After about thirty minutes of massage, I am very turned on and hard, rubbing against her butt while my hands move. “You can stop if you’re done,” she says. But I keep rubbing her butt more and kiss her neck. “I just want to go to sleep now. I don’t mind if you jerk off though.” So I do. She’s asleep by the time I’m finished.
• Thursday, August 7 bedtime
• “Do you want another backrub?”
• “Sure, but you’re not getting any sex tonight.” After the backrub, I jerk off again.
• Friday, August 8 late bedtime
• We’ve had a couple of drinks. “I really want you, baby.”
• “How about a backrup first and we’ll see what happens?” I rub her back for a while until I’m very hard. She invites me to rub her pussy, soon we have sex. It feels amazing. After the two-week gap, I come quickly. She uses her vibrator afterward.
• Saturday, August 9 morning
• I snuggle up, stroke down her arm, kiss her neck.
• “I need a little more sleep.”
• Sunday, August 10 morning
• I snuggle up again. We spoon chastely.
• After a few minutes, she starts to wiggle her butt against me. I rub back and kiss her neck. The kids wake up then; I feed them. She uses her vibe before coming down for breakfast.
• Monday, August 11 bedtime
• “You really left me hanging yesterday morning.” I stroke her arm.
• “I’m on my period or I would make it up to you,” she says. “Do you want to jerk off?” I should mention that I can’t easily get hard on my own, even with porn; I need her help just to jerk off. I said yes. “You can rub your butt.” (Note: Original text implies the wife asks him to do it or offers herself for rubbing). Actually reading closely: She says “Your [you] can rub my butt”? No, context suggests she is offering. Let’s re-read carefully. He strokes her arm. She mentions period and jerk off. He needs help. She says “You can rub my butt.” He rubs his cock against her butt until hard and dry humps her. “Hey, don’t get me all sticky!” He finishes in his hand.
• Tuesday, August 12 bedtime
• “I know you’re on your period, but can you help me out again?”
• “Again? Ok.” She rolls over so I can hump her butt again. As soon as I start, she reminds me, “Don’t get me sticky.”
• Wednesday, August 13 bedtime
• “Is it still the wrong time of month?” snuggling against her.
• “No, I’m done,” she says, “but didn’t you just get off yesterday?” Yes, but it isn’t quite the same as making love. “Maybe tomorrow.”
• Thursday, August 14 bedtime
• You know, you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.
• “Thank you.” (Technically I didn’t ask for sex this night; I just told her how much I love her, meant it, and hoped something might happen. It didn’t, but it was nice.)
• Friday, August 15 bedtime
• “I love you so much. You’re so sexy. I’d really love to make love with you tonight.”
• “Aww,” she says. “You’re such a sweetheart. Come here.” We snuggle. “I’m really not in the mood tonight, but I love you too.”
• Saturday, August 16 morning
• “Do you think you might be in the mood this morning?”
• “I had a long week at work,” she says. “Can I just sleep in today?”
• Sunday, August 17 morning
• “The kids are still asleep.”
• “Ooh and you’re already hard? Why don’t you jerk off real quick?” So I do. She watches, then gets her vibrator out when I’m done.
• Monday, August 18 bedtime
• “You feeling sexy tonight, honey?”
• “You heard about my day,” she says. “You know I’m gonna say ‘no’.” (I didn’t want to assume until I’d actually hear her say it). “Well, No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”
• Tuesday, August 19 bedtime
• She didn’t wear a nightgown. I tenderly stroke her hips and thighs.
• “What’s with you lately?” (I just love you and find you very sexy). “Well, quit it,” she says. Goodnight.” peck.
• Wednesday, August 20 bedtime
• She had pajamas on. I spooned her. “You’re so sexy, even in cotton pajamas.”
• “You’d find me sexy in a snowmobile suit. I thought I told you to quit it,” she says. (I did last night). “I meant give me a break. You’re after me every night. Go to sleep.”
• Thursday, August 21 bedtime
• “I’m not trying to bug you, but would you like a backrub tonight?”
• “Yes, please.” After I was done she asked, “Did you get hard?” I had, but it passed. “Oh, I was going to say you should jerk off. You can rub my butt if you want,” she says. So I did. Once I got going, she said, “Don’t come on there.” I finished in my hand.
• Friday, August 22 bedtime
• “Thanks for last night. That was nice. Do you want another backrub?”
• “Not tonight, sweety.”
• Saturday, August 23 morning
• As we’re both slowly waking up, I cuddle and kiss her neck.
• “We have to get up right away,” she says. “It’s a busy day.”
• Sunday, August 24 midday
• Oldest was at a friend’s; youngest napped. “You feel like going upstairs for a snuggle?”
• “Not right now,” she replies. “I want to get some cleaning done.”
• Monday, August 25 bedtime
• She came to bed naked. I stroke her belly lightly with fingertips.
• “That feels nice. Keep doing that.” When I leaned in for a kiss, she mumbled about already being asleep.
• Tuesday, August 26 bedtime
• She showered before bed and asked me to rub lotion on her back.
• “Are you turned on after ten seconds of that? Really?” I ask. “I’m too tired tonight,” she says.
• Wednesday, August 27 bedtime
• “I’ve been thinking about your sexy body all day.”
• “Oh,” she replies. “I don’t feel sexy right now. I was just reading about banana fungus.” (You can’t make this up.)
• Thursday, August 28 bedtime
• I snuggled up to her, put my arms around and kissed her neck. She wriggled into it, so I kept kissing.
• After a minute or two of snuggling: “Did I tell you what happened at work today?” No. “Well, we finally had a meeting about Tim.” Tim is a terrible coworker. Mood gone now; we talked about Tim and work instead.
• Friday, August 29 bedtime
• She had a few glasses of wine. I cuddled up to her in bed. We made out.
• “Let me buzz first,” she says. After she did, she had to go pee. I got soft while she was gone. When she returned, she said she just wanted to go to sleep and apologized; we’d try again in the morning.
• Saturday, August 30 morning
• I spooned her. “You were pretty horny last night before you buzzed yourself off. Is any of that left this morning?”
• “Honey,” she says, “I think I drank too much last night. I just want to sleep in.” (I wanted to try again that night, but I’m sticking to one attempt per day.)
• Sunday, August 31 morning
• I woke up before her. When she started to stir, I snuggled up and stroked her butt.
• “Could you get some oil and give me a massage?” So I did her back. I made a move, but she asked for more massages first. Kids woke up; I got the kids brea

That went fast. She remained awake and kept buzzing.

So, here are the numbers at month’s end. I finished seven times total—roughly once every four days and ten hours. Considering we’ve been married for a decade now, that feels pretty solid to me. As far as she’s concerned, she had six orgasms (that I’m aware of), which works out to about once every five days plus four hours.

We actually only managed full intercourse just one time during this period, but I got plenty of mileage out of dry-humping her sexy backside three times. So in reality, that counts as me finishing twice more on my own. She climaxed using the vibrator each and every time. While I do have the ability to bring her over the edge sometimes, usually it’s the Hitachi doing the heavy lifting.

I’d guess I got off slightly above average for a typical month—perhaps by one or two times—but nothing excessive. My best estimate is that her frequency remained roughly consistent with what we normally see. UPDATE ** Monday, September 1 ** evening

I chose to hold back and not make any moves because I didn’t want to become too much of a nuisance. However, just about one or two minutes after I kissed her goodnight, my wife said, “Come over here; I want you to fuck my ass.”

Her sudden declaration left me somewhat stunned, so I replied, “What?”

She insisted, “Come here. Oh, maybe I’ll have you inside my pussy first, or perhaps let me suck you off, okay?”

I still felt like things were moving too fast for my brain to keep up, but I scooted closer anyway. “We can do whatever works best,” is what I said—or something very similar.

She grabbed hold of me with both hands and began rubbing all over me. “Oh, how I wish you had five penises so we could fuck through your mouth and both holes at once!”

I just couldn’t believe my ears regarding her words. Eventually, I pulled back slightly to ask, “Honey, what has gotten into you?”

She smiled—or rather smirked more than it was a smile—and said, “I think that plan of yours is working perfectly; trying to get me to fuck you every night seems to have turned me into a nymphomaniac.”

“I didn’t,” I stammered out defensively. “That wasn’t exactly my goal when did this start…”

She pulled me back toward her and explained, “I realized about a week ago that maybe it was some sort of test or something along those lines. That’s when I started messing with you on purpose.”

“You were testing me?” I pushed back just enough to get a better look at her face. It wasn’t painful, just surprising.

“You should have seen your expression when I mentioned ‘banana fungus’.” She was smiling and laughing now; it really was fun.

“I wasn’t trying to turn you into a nympho,” I added, feeling slightly embarrassed that she’d discovered what I kept from her.

“No, I know. I’ve just been waiting for the right moment—when you skip a day—to test your reaction with the nympho act. Judging by how you reacted tonight, I think I have it figured out. You seem to have developed quite the fetish about getting rejected, don’t you?”

She looked serious. It had literally never crossed my mind before, but upon reflection, I realized that toward the end of the month I was indeed looking forward to her denials.

“I’m not entirely sure,” I admitted.

“It’s okay; no need for embarrassment. Don’t forget that I love you. Just keep asking, and I’ll keep saying ‘no’. It will be easier now because I won’t feel like I’m depriving you.” She hugged me close and kissed my neck before starting to grind her hips against mine. I was already hard.

“We can still have regular sex sometimes, right?”

“Sometimes,” she agreed. “But not tonight. Go fetch the vibrator for me.”