guidance for couples

Hello, I’m Tom. My wife Jessica and I have been living the “chastity lifestyle” for about four years now, and we want to share our experiences in hopes of helping other couples navigate some common challenges. First, let me tell you a bit about us. We are both early forties with careers that matter to us. We have two boys, aged 13 and 15. The chastity play started as my idea; I asked Jessica if she was interested, and we agreed to give it a shot.

I always seem to have a higher sex drive than my wife. It didn’t cause issues for us, and we settled into a routine of having sex every Friday. The sex was good but not particularly exciting. I wanted more sex and often took a few minutes to watch porn or read erotic stories before masturbating. In one story about chastity devices, I began researching the topic. I liked the idea of giving control of my orgasms to Jessica, someone I trust, love, and respect deeply. Without those three qualities, I believe chastity play won’t succeed for you. It seemed like a way to spice things up and perhaps give her more excitement.

I’d like to share what I’ve learned with guys who have similar interests or fantasies. If this is something that appeals to you, you must be the one to bring it up. No matter how many hints you drop or fantasies you mention, she isn’t going to suddenly burst out saying, “Hey honey, let’s buy a chastity device and lock you in for weeks while I get my needs met!” You have to explain what you hope to gain from it as well as what you think she can get. It’s not easy to bring up…

My advice is to not force the issue on her; let her think about it. If you have the budget, buy a cheap one (any of the cbxxx options are affordable and effective). If you decide that you both enjoy it later, there are more secure and comfortable devices available. Explain how it works and what you expect from her, offering ideas on what she might expect from you. The scariest thing I ever did was talk to Jess about this. I feared she would think I was a pervert or had lost my mind. Give her time to digest your words, let her read up on it herself, and wait for her to make the next move. If she is interested, she will bring it up again. DON’T hound her. If she doesn’t mention it further, let it drop. Keep your fantasy for yourself. DO NOT hold it against her.

Now, let me explain what chastity play isn’t first. It’s not some fantasy world where she teases you constantly and makes you perform sexual acts for her. It won’t fix a broken relationship; if you have troubles now, they will remain the same or get worse with chastity. Ninety-five percent of your life stays unchanged. You’ll be horny often and sometimes very frustrated, but that excitement is what I love about it. Knowing that the woman I love is the only one who can allow me to reach an orgasm excites me just as much now as it did four years ago. Your wife isn’t going to become a fantasy Domme spanking you for her amusement. If humiliating you turns her on, good enough; but don’t assume she will always be thinking of new ways to excite you because that’s not the case either. DO NOT think she’ll be horny all the time just because you are; it doesn’t work like that. Yes, knowing you’re locked up might turn her on (hopefully), and I’d say her libido may rise slightly, but don’t expect her to become a sex-crazed animal overnight.

What chastity play is, is a way for couples to grow closer and have more fun in the bedroom, letting go of some inhibitions to explore new ways to spice things up. If this interests you, no doubt you want to be submissive in the bedroom; that doesn’t mean you must be a whimpering puppy outside it too. Your wife loves you for who you are unless both agree otherwise. Chastity reminds you all day that you’ve agreed to prioritize your partner’s needs in bed and derive pleasure from seeing her happy. It allows you to explore your fantasy while she gets her needs fulfilled.

It is very tempting to “top from the bottom,” which can be destructive to a relationship. What does that mean? I think it’s common for someone who takes the first step to want to keep momentum going. Unfortunately, once that initial step happens, your partner must continue the journey. It’s okay to share what you enjoy or make suggestions, but telling her exactly how she should tell you what to do won’t work well. It puts pressure on her to do something she might not be comfortable with. Let her decide how things go. If you have ideas, feel free to share them, but be careful not to persuade her into doing yours. Again, if she likes the idea, let her run with it; otherwise, she’ll let it die naturally—just make sure she knows you’re okay with that.

I asked her if she would share what she has learned over these past few years and offer tips for new keyholders:

Hi, I’m Jessica. My husband Tom asked me to post some advice for new keyholders, so here goes from the start. When he first asked if playing with a chastity device was something I’d enjoy, I was speechless! We had been married 18 years and assumed we were very happy in life and sexually. The thought that jumped into my head when he showed me the devices was, “Holy Shit, is my husband trying to cover up for cheating?” I was confused and asked him to hold off while I read up on it. After wading through what turned out to be 75% horny male fantasies online and across numerous forums, I realized it wasn’t quite what I thought. I still claim this started as a mid-life crisis, but trying this seemed better than Tom getting a Corvette and a girlfriend twenty years younger, so I agreed to give it a go.

After reading online and watching videos, I was afraid I’d be expected to wear crazy leather corsets and walk around with a paddle spanking him. But after discussing what he wanted from the experience, I realized my fears were misplaced—thank goodness. He wanted me to take control in the bedroom and be more aggressive about his needs and fantasies. So, we gave it a try.

The first time he tried putting the device on when it finally came up was pretty silly really. I had imagined myself putting it on him and locking him up well, but with the devices we’ve used anyway, that’s not how it works. Every time I tried to put it on him, I pinched or crushed him or caused some other discomfort. So now I let him handle the installation while I do the lock. The first night he wore his device with me, I had no clue what to do and think I was more apprehensive than he was. Finally, we did some petting and he fingered me to an orgasm. As soon as I climaxed, I immediately unlocked him, and we made love. He explained that it felt great for him, but he hoped he would remain in the device after I finished. That’s when I learned my most important lesson: not feeling guilty when I have an orgasm and he doesn’t. It was hard to believe at first that he wanted to miss out, especially since he usually initiated sex with me! What I’ve found is that excitement and lust build up for him while locked up.

He gets his orgasm. That happened over three years back, and now he keeps the device on nearly constantly. I take it off so he can wash up and for our playtime, but once he’s dry or after I’ve finished with “my” cock, right back in it goes. There isn’t a strict timetable for when he finally gets to climax; it depends entirely on my whim, though every other week seems like a solid average for us two. Of course, that is our specific dynamic—you might be and likely are different.

We experimented with various methods to decide when he earns his release: earning points through pleasing me, rolling dice, or scheduling dates ahead of time. However, we found those options either too complicated or too rigid for our liking. The crucial point for keyholders is that he remains “in play” around the clock. While wearing CB, he is constantly reminded of your authority. Therefore, acknowledging his state matters. It doesn’t need to be a grand gesture; an offhand remark like “your princess wants you to go get milk,” or simply brushing against his device through his trousers while saying something about checking on my property works well. These small actions remind him that he is in your thoughts and isn’t just confined so as not to “bother” you when fatigue sets in regarding sex.

Believe me, making these little gestures excites you too. Reminding yourself that you essentially own a “sex slave” who is perpetually aroused and eager to try whatever idea strikes you adds thrill to the dynamic. Occasionally, after I return from work, my husband will be waiting at home. I’ll have him follow me into the bedroom where he strips off my clothes and dresses me in something cozy. It isn’t inherently sexual activity that occurs there, but it is thrilling for both of us.

Another observation: once a day or two passes without an orgasm while locked away, your partner becomes quite lustful. A very horny man tends to be a kinky one, allowing you to explore mutual fantasies. Keep in mind that YOU hold the reins; this setup centers on your pleasure. Don’t let him dictate what you want—you tell him yours. This doesn’t mean reducing him to a mere domestic servant giving orders around the house without enjoyment or longevity.

However, if chores are tiring and don’t appeal to you, simply whisper in his ear, “Your princess would like to rest while you finish up.” Frame it so he enjoys contributing; if he believes doing dishes earns him favor toward an orgasm, it feels good. If he thinks he is merely fulfilling a duty because he doesn’t do enough around the house, it feels burdensome.

After being locked for several days, his arousal levels remain high, and ordinary non-sexual events become sexual triggers. For instance, you bending over to pick up laundry might catch him watching your rear end; let him know you noticed his gaze. You don’t need to shout, “I saw that horny pig of yours,” just look back with an “I know what you’re thinking” smile.

While receiving foot massages, back rubs, and assistance with chores is delightful, the keyholder must also put in effort. He needs to stay engaged and intrigued. I’ve seen many online suggestions; some suit us, others don’t. Personally, I have no desire to urinate on my husband for humiliation or sleep with another man while he watches—that strikes me as excessive and unlikely to interest a sensible couple.

We remain open to experimenting together. Trying new things keeps you stimulated and him very excited. Creativity feels vital in chastity relationships. Here are some concepts I’ve gathered from reading other keyholders’ posts. These aren’t universal mandates, but they offer starting points for others to discover what suits them and their partners.

Every guy’s dream often includes performing oral sex while locked up—a dominant theme in CB play. Allowing the man to finger his wife until she climaxes is also highly enjoyable. You’ll find this excites your partner immensely; he derives as much pleasure from it as you do. Initially, I was somewhat hesitant about having my husband perform this act for me because I needed to ensure I had showered, powdered up, and sprayed perfume appropriately. However, discussing it with Tom revealed that even if your pussy doesn’t smell perfect to yourself, it certainly does to him.

This is an excellent opportunity to tease and compliment him simultaneously. While he is performing the act or immediately after, you can mention that it felt so wonderful you might not need to unlock him at all. Alternatively, say something like, “That was good, but there’s still much for you to learn; you aren’t leaving until you get it right.” Facesitting offers a similar dynamic: you sit atop his face with your pussy, guiding him to lick while you move and gyrate. If you haven’t tried it yet, give it a go—it is quite fun! His nose acts as an excellent little sex toy. Tom loves this position because I feel more in control.

I also enjoy having him lick my backside. This requires care; I ensure I am VERY clean. Sometimes during oral service, I simply shift my hips into his face and instruct him to lick there. My husband really enjoys it (though everyone differs). Part of the thrill comes from “forcing” him slightly—squeezing his balls and urging deeper licks or warning that if he doesn’t get his tongue deep enough, he stays in the cage.

I may also request this service when he seems particularly aroused but I am not seeking sexual contact. Lying on my stomach reading or watching TV while having him attend to me works well. Again, not for everyone, though we enjoy it.

Feel free to joke with him that you’d love to unlock and release him to play, but remind him his last orgasm was only a week ago (or last night), so he must use his mouth to satisfy his princess. Help improve his oral skills by explaining your preferences. Remember, an orgasm isn’t mandatory; if you just want the sensation of his mouth for a few minutes, that suffices—just let him know when it’s over.

Have him lick you briefly to build excitement, then stop and say, “Thanks, just wanted to remind you I am in control,” before smiling and walking away.

Keep things lighthearted; this is called chastity play for a reason—it should be enjoyable. If something he does leaves you excited, joke that he made you all wet and perhaps you don’t want to walk around with damp panties while having him clean you up. Or after climaxing, claim you are too tired to shower yourself and ask him to handle it.

Use phrases like, “Better get that cage back on before you touch my cock without permission,” accompanied by a giggle. If circumstances change regarding his promised orgasm, say something like, “That’s why I am the princess!” It is important not to take your role too seriously. Enjoy yourself; laugh and joke about his situation.

It’s meant to be fun!

If you act as though you enjoy it, he will feel better about the arrangement. If you treat it like a chore, he may feel guilty for dragging you into this dynamic. Ensure he realizes that you genuinely appreciate the experience. You should lead and have fun; his mood feeds off yours.

Massages, backrubs, foot rubs, pedicures, manicures—all delightful additions to daily life.

Pet names add charm. Tom calls me “princess” in bed. Am I truly a princess? No, I am a 43-year-old mother of two working forty hours weekly at a desk job.

Does it bother him that I call myself his Princess? YES. Other women prefer titles like Mistress, Ma’am, Lady, or Miss—whatever feels right for you personally. I really enjoy being called Princess. It’s also enjoyable to give him pet names; feel free to decide what suits your dynamic.

Some men actually appreciate a bit of humiliation. This might mean having them wear a dog collar, kneeling by the bedside while they perform sexual services for you, or getting creative with other gestures. However, always instruct him directly rather than asking politely. Use phrases like “Do this for me” instead of “Would you like to?” You can check in later to see if he enjoyed it; if he didn’t and neither did you, simply drop the idea.

Occasionally, I’ll have my husband wear panties underneath his regular work attire—not every day, but sometimes—as a subtle reminder that I hold control. I don’t expect him to become some kind of sissy, nor do I think he does; it’s just fun to share this little secret between us. During the day, I might call in to ask if he is comfortable wearing them, or at night when I return home, I’ll ask how his panties were. It always brings out a blush and adds another layer of excitement for him. Again, give orders rather than questions: tell him he will wear them. If afterwards he admits he hated it, don’t force the issue next time. But consider this scenario: if you softly ask, “Darling, would you like to wear my pink thong to work?” what will his response be?

When I do have him wear panties, I often giggle and compliment how sexy he looks in them; it consistently earns a blush.

Bondage is enjoyable too—not the intense kind where he’s tied to a wall while I whip him with a cat o’nine tails—but rather tying his hands up while he serves me. Try linking him to the bed after some foreplay, then tell him you need to fetch something and leave him there for a few minutes to ponder what is happening next. You can escalate it by telling him that being close to you has excited you; place your panties over his face so he can smell your arousal, grab a glass of water yourself, and let him indulge in the fantasy while waiting.

Grooming matters too; some women prefer their partners shaved down, others do not. I personally like it when Tom shaves his pubic hair. It shows me that he puts thought into his grooming habits rather than just going through the motions passively. I shave myself as well—it can be a bit prickly sometimes—but since my husband spends so much time with his face near there, avoiding stray hairs in his mouth is practical!

Sex toys are delightful, particularly when his cock remains locked inside its cage. You might use dildos on him for your own pleasure, or utilize vibrators and plugs; the options seem endless. Conversely, you can also play with them using him as the recipient. For instance, have him wear a buttplug while performing oral sex on you, or employ a vibrator to bring him close to climax several times before locking him back up. Many couples find pegging enjoyable (where the woman uses a strap-on to penetrate the man). My husband and I are currently undecided about it—we don’t particularly enjoy it right now—but who knows? Perhaps we will try it later on. That is part of the joy in this type of relationship: it opens doors for experimenting with new things, keeping everything fresh.

When you remove his device, guide him to stand right at the edge of orgasm if possible. If he cannot articulate when he is close, have him signal you clearly; repeat this process a few times before telling him that you are tired and ready for bed. Have him lock himself back into his device as well. You can then sleep peacefully knowing his dreams will revolve around how much he desires to be with you.

For an extra touch of control, keep a bag of ice by the bedside. When it is time for him to re-enter his cage after climaxing, place the cold pack on his cock and say something like: “I knew you would struggle to fit back in alone, so I brought this along to help prevent any accidents.”

Remember that his thrill comes from feeling your dominance. Ensure he understands that you expect him not to orgasm without your permission or presence. Although you surely trust him, avoid leaving the door open for accidental masturbation; a simple comment like, “Go get showered up, but please do not touch my cock! I know you can manage it,” works well. Having learned that once Tom earns an orgasm he feels entitled to more if he wishes, I usually make sure he cleans himself and replaces his device immediately.

Let your desires lead the way rather than letting him dictate what happens; both of you will be happier this way. If there is something specific he wants to try, listen to his proposal with kindness—if it sounds appealing to you, give it a go; if not, decline gracefully. Every relationship has its unique rhythm and ours reflects our personal experience, but I hope these insights assist you. As long as communication remains open and honest between you two, you will surely have wonderful times together—and if things don’t work out, that is okay too! Simply tell him honestly when something isn’t comfortable for you; he will undoubtedly respect your effort.

The most important point to reiterate is this: He requested these arrangements because he trusts you deeply. Consider how challenging it was for him to approach you with his request in the first place. Do not take that trust lightly or abuse it unnecessarily. This dynamic can be just as rewarding for him as it is for you, but if enjoyment wanes on your end, ensure clear dialogue continues between you both. He might discover that reality didn’t quite match his expectations—perhaps he pictured a Dominatrix clad in six-inch high PVC boots lashing him with a whip rather than the wife of many years stepping into her power role over their sex life.

Do not feel guilty about asserting your comfort level; after all, he invited you to take charge. Above everything else: have fun and let creativity guide you!

Although this was originally Tom’s idea which I accepted primarily to please him, it has turned out to be a truly beautiful journey for me personally—I wouldn’t swap our current dynamic for anything in the world! Recently his device broke down necessitating us ordering a replacement; surprisingly perhaps I felt more upset about the inconvenience than he did (I even covered the cost of overnight shipping!).

Jess