Women, Men...let's work this out together

I was planning to write a blog entry about this but realized I needed some more time to clarify my thoughts, so I’m posting here first. Feel free to leave your comments!

To start with some background: In the Devoted Lover home, I’ve always been the one in charge. Honestly, I even proposed to Ab! It wasn’t something we specifically discussed or negotiated; it just naturally worked for us—basically from our very first date together. That’s simply how life is for us. I never referred to our dynamic as a female-led relationship (FLR) or wife-led marriage or any other variation of that term—in fact, I didn’t even know those terms existed until a few months ago when I began exploring chastity.

Naturally, being curious by nature, once I learned about the FLR phenomenon, I started reading various blogs on the subject. Some of them really grate on me, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. After all, here I am living this FLR life for years now, so surely I have some expertise in the area? I realized that what these bloggers describe doesn’t match up with the life Ab and I are leading. So, is my approach “wrong”? (I don’t think it is.)

Many of these blogs focus on a moment when the woman decides she is the boss, taking charge by asserting dominance and control, often through a structured program involving punishment and humiliation. This setup aims to make the husband subservient and submissive while reinforcing her role as the leader.

I understand the distinction between erotic pain/punishment (like what mikecb and Thumper enjoy) and erotic humiliation (which Celtic Queen describes with her husband). However, these blogs don’t seem to reflect that nuance. What I’m reading feels more like a training program for dogs rather than humans. It’s not just the blog posts; sometimes it’s the comments that really annoy me—encouraging physical harshness that borders on abuse as a way of teaching husbands their place. Then there is the “pantied 24/7” trend, painted toenails, and so forth. You all know what I mean.

That works fine if it’s how those people live their lives. But what still puzzled me was why it bothered me so much?

I had a realization recently (yes, finally getting to the point of this post). Also, heads up: feminist thoughts ahead… The tools these women use to enforce their FLR—brutality, oppression, degradation, and abuse—are typically patriarchal tools used to maintain control. War is the most extreme example, but even in daily life or work, I can think of many men who use similar techniques to hold onto their authority.

Women, I believe, come from a different mindset. Yes, it’s an old cliché—“Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”—but I truly do feel there is a difference between the sexes. Some men lean more feminine and some women lean more masculine, but broadly speaking, we are distinct.

Returning to FLR: these women claim they are leading (which they may be), but they lead by adopting—and perhaps even imitating—the tools of the patriarchy instead of using their uniquely female or matriarchal abilities. By feminine abilities, I don’t mean batting eyelashes and acting weak and naive. Instead, I’m thinking of skills like effective communication, process management, and consensus-building. That is how I run our home. I don’t whip Ab because he hasn’t finished a checklist to my satisfaction. In fact, I don’t even give him a list! He knows what needs doing, everything gets done, with very little pressure or direction from me.

So this helped clarify why these blogs irritate me so much. They aren’t describing an FLR; they are describing a “Female-Acting-Like-a-Man Led Relationship.” I think there is a significant difference.

Bringing it back to chastity: if a woman is happy and content in her marriage, why would she want to upset the status quo for something new? Especially when this new thing comes with the expectation that she will behave in a way opposite to her normal (female) personality and methods. Because as we know, searching for info on MC often leads quickly to punishment and humiliation stuff. If I had read those first, who knows if chastity would have ever crossed my mind? That’s a question I wonder about.

Furthermore, Thumper wrote recently: “as a guy in this dynamic you end up needing to rechannel your distinctly male sexuality through female circuits. Specifically, the female you’ve handed control over to.” I agree, but taking it further, I think the man needs to accept a different kind of leadership—specifically, female leadership using female techniques.

And that is the crux of it. First, if the guy looking for chastity has typically been “the head of the household,” he will need to give up that role—at least partially (within their sexual relationship) and perhaps completely if it extends to the whole marriage. Second, if the wife hasn’t usually held a leadership position in her marriage, she needs support to take it on. My thesis is that she will be more successful and comfortable if encouraged to learn or adopt a female leadership style (which should feel somewhat natural) rather than expecting to act like a man. Ultimately, I believe this determines whether a couple succeeds in creating a chaste relationship.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough. As I said, thoughts are welcome. Tell me which points you agree with or disagree with…or have I completely missed the mark? Looking forward to the discussion! D