We told one friend in January and we are still paying for it

We told one friend in January. She had known both of us for a decade, she asked a direct question at the end of a long evening, and we answered honestly because we were tired and because we had wanted for years to say it out loud to somebody.

She did not react badly. She reacted with six weeks of careful silence and then a slow retreat that has not reversed. Nobody has confronted us and as far as we can tell nothing has been repeated to anybody. We simply lost a friend, quietly, and learned what saying it costs in our particular circle.

Forty two and forty four, Queens, four years in and much happier for it. The arrangement itself has never caused us a problem. The only damage this has ever done to our life came from telling somebody outside it.

So discretion here is a condition rather than a preference, and it is not about anything glamorous. We do not want to be somebody's story. We will ask directly who you have told and what you tell people, and we will not think less of anyone whose answer differs from ours as long as it is honest.

What we are looking for is one man, regular, over a long stretch. He is at home for all of it and he wants to be. Not looking for anyone who thinks discretion means secrecy from each other, because between the two of us there is none of that at all.