Female led relationships discussion

Hello all; I hope someone will hear me out and tell me if I’m the only one feeling this way or if my feelings are justified. Please feel free to share your thoughts, whether positive or negative; it’s crucial to look at the situation from every angle. Thank you. Background; I met master a little over a year ago. We connected online, and an incredible energy sparked between us, leading us into being a couple quite rapidly. I love my master; truly, I adore everything about her. She is intelligent, kind, compassionate, expressive, and has ALWAYS been there whenever I needed her. It’s frightening to realize how deeply in love I am with her—sometimes I literally can’t catch my breath thinking of life without her. I’ve loved before, but it all seems pale compared to what I feel for master. She truly completes me; she is the missing part of myself. And She fell in love with me too. As deep as my fall was, she stands right beside me, like we exist solely for one another. I am her knight, and she is my queen. We are old souls. Together, we make Oak. The issue comes from our specific situation. When I first met master, I knew she was married and Polyamorous (I have been separated for a long time). At first, I hesitated because I wasn’t sure how I would “fit” into her life dynamic. Master keeps her spouse out of things with me; it’s strictly between the two of us. But when I finally wrote to her that first time, I thought to myself, why not? A little fun, a bit of companionship. Remember she’s married, remember she won’t belong entirely to you, but maybe we’d be right for each other. I had no IDEA how perfectly matched we would turn out to be. Now, after 1 year, we face difficult choices. Master wants her husband to leave so she can be with me. I want the same: that he leaves and she stays with me. My heart simply desires what it desires; there is no blame in wanting what you want. Just in case you were wondering, I never pressured master, nor did I give ultimatums; she brought up the topic first. Yes, I often said I wished she were mine entirely. I frequently begged for one more hour late on Sunday nights. She knows how I feel because she felt it too. But I never told or hinted that she should leave her husband. However, once she raised the subject, I NEVER discouraged her. Here is the problem now. My 20-year marriage ended due to my spouse’s infidelity. It shattered me. It nearly destroyed everything before I could recover and turn things around after our separation. I simply don’t know if I can be “the other man” and then do unto someone else what was done to me. I know how much it hurt; I know how close to the edge it took me. How, knowing all this pain myself, can I inflict it on another? The guilt is killing me… truly. Sometimes I can barely look at master because I just can’t bring myself to tell her that after all those times I begged her to stay a little longer, she now cannot be with me due to my guilty conscience. I need to overcome this, but I feel trapped. I can’t look forward to a future with master because the sword of guilt will always hang over my head. Regret gnaws at me: in order to get what my heart wanted more than anything else it ever has in its life, I had to stab someone else in the back. Someone whose only fault was trusting me… I can’t; I simply cannot. But I must, or I will never have my happily-ever-after. I am so messed up right now. I need to make a decision, but if I do, I fear dooming myself to loneliness. I feel like I’m on the verge of suicide. I love my master and need her so much; I can’t lose her, but I will if I have to… I would, even if it changed me from someone who could live with themselves into someone who could never look in the mirror again… Please help me. What should I do? What on God’s earth CAN I do? Curious