Product Review: Almost Killed Us Or Wrecked My Nads

There was an issue with my chastity belt, but you need the context to really get it. Try not to let this happen to your gear:

A few days back, the plunger on the brake light switch melted where it touches the pedal arm in my car—the heat here is intense. That drained my battery dry. Once I realized what went wrong, I ordered a replacement switch (there are no imported cars around except mine, so expect about a week’s wait). Meanwhile, I overthought how to drive with the issue and came up with a solution that was almost disastrous. As someone who edits Romance novels and fixes electronics but isn’t an auto safety expert, my logic had gaps.

High on the brake pedal arm is the tang that sticks out to press down the switch plunger. A small piece of the original plunger stayed behind. So I clipped a clothespin onto the tang. It worked. The brake pedal moved properly, the clothespin pushed the pin in place, and the rear lights turned off. With the car parked outside for two days, the battery kept its charge (we don’t drive far usually).

The part I missed was that because the clothespin sat so high on the arm, it held the brake pedal down about an inch. This meant the brakes were slightly engaged constantly. It wasn’t obvious at first. Today my new switch arrived. My wife and I hopped in with this temporary fix and drove sixteen miles to town. When I tried braking near the auto parts store parking lot, the brakes seized up completely from overheating.

That’s when it clicked after comparing the brake pedal to the clutch. I took off the clothespin, and the brake pedal rose back to align with the clutch. We spent the rest of the afternoon at a nearby restaurant waiting for the brakes to cool enough to drive home.

During that time, I realized my chastity belt—worn out here in town for the first time since we rarely leave—was digging painfully into my legs. It confused me at the moment. My wife decided to hit the grocery store while we were there. After spending eighty bucks (we needed it, but I was really hurting by then), we headed home, enduring sixteen miles of discomfort she didn’t see coming.

Back home, the belt finally came off. The rubber seal around the metal rim of the cup had detached. This shouldn’t normally happen, but hanging upside down under my dashboard inspecting that brake arm dislodged the rear shield screw clip from the cup, taking the rubber bumper along with it. The bumper then slowly loosened completely.

I was lucky since the belt didn’t stay on long enough to cause damage. I hammered the clip back into place with a claw hammer and put the belt back on after adjusting the bumper. So while this belt is fine for normal use, I wouldn’t suggest it for acrobatic or unusual activities. Otherwise, I’m good now.

Moral: Keep James away from anything mechanical. – James, in Wyobraska’s hinterlands.